Did you know that perfectionism, the desire and length one might go through to get everything just right can be a reaction to relational trauma? Perfectionism is an example of an adaptive mechanism that is often used to cope during developmental stages of childhood in the presence of relational trauma. Like many coping skills, perfectionism can be a tool that once served a meaningful purpose, yet later in life, if relied on too heavily, can create restriction and distress versus the desired sense of control and safety. We are adaptive beings with an innate drive to survive, feel safe, and be protected. This drive is incredibly helpful because in life we are often faced with threats to our physical and emotional safety. Threats can come in the form of abuse or neglect by those who are supposed to protect us. When this happens we do what we can to survive by adapting.
Keep in mind that perfectionism can look different for each person and the full range of its manifestations are not possible to cover in one blog post. Highlighted below are a couple of examples of relational trauma that might resonate with you if you are someone who identifies in some way as a “perfectionist.”
Consistently over-reactive, dramatic, violent, or critical reactions by a primary caregiver when you made mistakes.
Making mistakes is a natural part of learning and growing. In a healthy parent/child relationship the parent is able to provide an environment where mistakes can be made and learned from and the self esteem of the child remains intact, whereby the child is encouraged and the parent models the appropriate way to engage in an activity whether it be homework, sports, or in friend relationships. If a parent yells, screams, physically abuses, or namecalls when a child makes mistakes, the child may adapt by putting extra effort into making sure not to make mistakes as a way to avoid the expected reaction of their parents. This might look like coloring within the lines, bringing home perfect grades, or excelling to extremely high standards in sports. A consequence of adapting in such a way is the meaning the child assigns to their actions. They, for example, might think something to the effect of “I’m only lovable if I’m perfect.” As the child moves through various developmental stages and into adulthood if this message becomes internalized and unchecked, it can manifest in a variety of symptoms including panic, feelings of low self worth, self harm, fear of rejection and fear of abandonment.
Consistently under-reactive, flat, or dismissive reactions by primary caregivers when validation is called for, and the inability to compliment your child.
Just as making mistakes is a natural part of learning and growing, so is accomplishing tasks and challenges. Validating and acknowledging is a healthy and important action that attuned parents do in order to aid in the development of healthy self esteem, self worth, and further motivate their children. Think about the clapping, cheering and shouting that takes place when a child takes their first steps and the hugs and kisses that are given when the child finally reaches the parents arms. Think about the verbal affirmations, “good job, we are proud of you, we love you.” These phrases and actions send the message, “you are enough.” On the contrary, if primary caregivers lack the ability to be happy for their children and instead appear to be consistently disconnected and uninterested in them this is emotional neglect. Emotional neglect is a form of abuse within the realm of relational trauma. It can also be coupled with a confusing tendency for the parent to ignore their own child yet have the ability to go on and on about how amazing other people’s children are. This pattern of behavior sends the message to the child that who they are is not good enough. The child becomes at risk for comparing themselves unfairly to others and trying to perfect their performance to get the love that they so desperately need from their primary caregivers. Perfectionism is a survival skill that we employ when love depends on what we do, not who we are.
Perfectionism has a way of seeping into all areas of adulthood including relationships, careers, hobbies, and mental health. It can manifest in a range of ways from rigid and compulsive behavior to being overly compliant, overcompensating, being pessimistic, or shutting down. The part of you that worked so hard to be loved as a child has the ability to heal. The whole of you is inherently worthy, and that worthiness cannot be altered or changed, subtracted or added to-it’s a stable. Each person has the same value, and that value doesn’t depend on how much you do or how productive you are.
In my work with clients, these learnings have been some of the most challenging yet powerful lessons. A suggestion that I often give to clients who are working on healing this part of themselves is to pick a trusted friend to call when you are feeling the urge to strive towards perfection. This friend should be someone who can validate the want to get things right while also gently reminding you that you are right exactly as you are.
Please use the comment section below to share how you took steps to healing and loving the part of you who utilized perfectionism as a coping tool.