How many times have you heard the phrase, “just trust your gut?” If you are someone who experienced childhood relational trauma this advice can seem counterintuitive. This is because a common element of relational trauma involves sharing your true feelings with someone of importance and then receiving a response that your gut is wrong. It can sound like, “you are crazy, something is wrong with you, you are too sensitive” and my personal favorite, “that never happened.” This type of abuse, often referred to as gaslighting, convinces us into thinking that there is something wrong with the way that we think, feel, or perceive. The truth is, when people gaslight others instead of identifying and owning their feelings they often criticize the people around them in order to protect the parts of themselves that feel insecure.
As a therapist, I am honored to be able to be in the presence of humans who are for the first time voicing their truth and questioning whether or not what those around them are prescribing for them is true or not. To this I say, “hell yes!” You don’t ever have to accept another person’s interpretation of how you feel, think, or perceive. That can only come from you. Yup, you. And guess what? The best part is that there is no right or wrong here.
One of the most basic building blocks of having a secure sense of self is having the opportunity for mirroring. Mirroring is the basic act of reflecting back another person’s feelings just as they are without interpreting them. This leads to validation which in turn leads to confidence in one's own thoughts, feelings, and perceptions. If you are someone who struggles to “trust your gut” then it’s likely you missed out on this opportunity somewhere along the way. But, just like anything else, it is possible to heal this, and I know you can.
Individual therapy is a wonderful resource for starting this process of healing. If you are in the process of healing from relational trauma please make sure that you genuinely feel believed by your therapist. A good indicator that you have a good fit with your therapist is if they are someone who is able to hold space for your feelings through mirroring. Through this reflective, curious and nonjudgmental approach you can begin to “trust your gut.”
If you are not yet able or just not interested in therapy, (totally fine), try this affirmation exercise for a starter:
Notice an uncomfortable feeling.
Write the name of the feeling on a note card.
Then write the sentence and fill in the blanks I feel ( ) and that makes sense because (_______________.) For example: I feel hurt and that makes sense because I wasn’t invited to the party with the rest of the group.
Then hold your hand on your heart, close your eyes and slowly repeat that phrase to yourself, notice what that does for the part of you that feels the feeling. Does it change the feeling? Does it change the sensation you feel in your body in any way? Does a new feeling present itself? Remember, there are no wrong answers.
Try repeating the process anytime you feel struck by a feeling…any feeling at all, even the pleasant ones.
In health and healing,
Dana